i am not superwoman...


My family is drifting apart; strangers who barely know each other. Remembering my youth, Sundays were always family visiting days. Either we'd all pack up in the car and go visit somebody, or my mom would clean house in anticipation of a visit; usually an aunt and uncle would come by. I miss those days so much... No one these days has the time to stay close. My brother wanders into town maybe twice a year. I see my father infrequently (he lives four blocks away). Guilt feelings surface; I remind myself that I have a full-time job and three children to juggle - it isn't easy to find the time to get out and visit. Times have changed from when I grew up. My mother didn't work outside the home, so the situation was very different. It's so hard to accept that I cannot do all the things that I feel I should...that my home will never be spotless, that few of our dinners are cooked from scratch. For years I bought into the myth and am now discovering the reality. It's a simple truth - I can't do it.

i am not superwoman...

While it may be simple, it is painful to accept.

Soulsearching... I am displeased with myself, and with the state of my life at this moment.
Displeased? Hmm...unsettled, unhappy, discouraged, lost, sad, confused and, yes, displeased. I'm drowning in priorities; buried in responsibilities, and I am the only one who can pull myself out. Each day I fall farther behind, and I can find no motivation in my heart, no inspiration in my soul. I am less than the sum of my parts.

i am not superwoman...

Memories: Fresh-baked goodies from the oven, dinner on the table at 5:00, sitting around playing cards, learning how to crochet, watching my mother sew me a dress...so many things my mother did, I never appreciated.
Procrastination: My children have never learned how to swim, skate, knit, sew, bake.
Regrets: They will never taste the European food I grew up with, never enjoy family singalongs at the organ, never know my mother. (We may not always have gotten along, but she would have been a great grandma.)
Somehow there just isn't enough time for such basic joys of life. Or at least there never seems to be.

i am not superwoman...

Recently I found myself trying to quit my job...I decided that I just couldn't do it all and I know my work is suffering. I used to love my job... My boss, a wonderful man whom I like and respect a great deal, convinced me to stick with it; it would get easier, he said. I think he meant as my children grow more self-sufficient. But I wonder, is it worth it? I'm missing out on times in their lives that will never be again.

i am not superwoman...

I'm so scared. I don't want to wake up some day and realize that time has swept right by me. And yet it seems it's already happening.


Back to the 'Glance' Page
Back to the Hallway